Damn I did it again ;-((

Once again I have returned home leaving littleone upset, frustrated and crying..... I am publicly writing this instead of writing/talking to littleone directly for in My mind I want littleone to know that I do care and I am just as upset as she is with My actions or lack of them...

I was planning to have a session this morning with her after the vanilla side of the weekend was over, but when I woke up this morning both My mind and body just weren't into ANYTHING and I really don't know why. Oh this feeling has come over Me over the 50+ years I have lived on this planet and I suppose it is a some form of depression ( that I have had before ).

All that is in My mind right now is:

I am Sorry,
I Screwed up once again,
the more I tried to fix things the more I fail, the more I fail littleone

and her quest to find the " right " Dom/Master/Sir that can give her all the BDSM lifestyle she wants and needs.

It hurts Me that I don't seem to have " Right Stuff " to satisfy littleone's lust for a 24/7 lifestyle. Over those 50+ years I have knot only let her down but I have failed others that have placed their trust in Me, but the one I have failed the worst is Me, My ability to make something of Me that My ancestors would have been proud of....

Like I posted before littleone/morningstar is Number 1 and deserves more that I can give her as she is

one hell of a slave....

Playing Second Fiddle????

littleone is feeling like she is a second fiddle because of school people, family and Me and she is sad, in tears at My feet and I really don't have the answers that I need to give her....

First off, the school people ARE treating her like a second fiddle and I am really thinking of going to her boss and telling him to smarten up along with his staff or I will tell/order her to go on LTD again... Of course this isn't really going to help her as the salary will be cut too much to live the way she is now ( and she isn't living high on the hog either )...

Family, well I am letting this one pass, at least for the moment.....

In My mind I am feeling like I am walking a tightrope, caught between a rock and hard place. I tried to explain this to littleone but I only succeeded in making her cry ( and knot the happy crying ).


The one thing I want littleone and everyone else to know in MY books she is:

Space to let ????

I have just come back to home after spending a lovely weekend with My littleone. W/we got in a bit of needling in on Friday, a good ( in My opinion ) flogging and cropping Saturday afternoon before we headed off to have supper and good conversation with some American friends and local ones too...

The only one thing that got to Me was something littleone said today while I was working on My model trains ( oh, I have told you lately about it and the great work littleone is doing on the scenery ). W/we were in the train room ( formerly the small BDSM playroom and treadmill ) littleone was pointing out that she had trouble getting into the closet that holds all her holiday nic nacks and mostly the treadmill because since the train table been brought in from the den/reading room upstairs ( the room I wanted ) it had forced the treadmill to go across the doors of the closet. I agreed and suggested that I move the shelving units on the wall to the opposite side wall of the room and then the doors and treadmill would be easier to get to, maybe not as good as if the trains weren't there but it was a start. littleone made an off the cuff remark that it wasn't her room anymore and I could do wanted I wanted. That brought back something to Me that littleone had said when I first collared her and that was everything she owned would was and would be Mine. Now, I never really took that statement to action, but I did take it to heart and now I was being told that " Her " rooms weren't hers anymore and in her actions and most likely in her heart too she meant it.

So, now I am feeling like I or at least My trains are no longer wanted by her, but rather unwanted guests in Her condo. I don't wish/want her condo or anything else that is hers ( since she has worked hard to get those things ) but at least in My mind ( and yes, I have made mistakes before by speaking My thoughts ) I should be able to chose any room I wish or want to. Now, since I am known as a GOS I have to say in littleone's defence about the den/reading room it was set up for her late Aunt Olive that she adored and it was the Aunt's whenever She showed up and it is the last remembrances of Her and I honestly didn't mind moving downstairs since I never met littleone's Aunt but from what I have heard I TOO would have adored Aunt Olive.

Well, that is want is on My mind tonight and I am sure it is going to bring tears and sadness to My littleone, but I am always telling her to be honest and don't lie, well I think I should do the same, don't you agree??

ps: Here is the lastest picture of the train layout, remember it is STILL a work in process and things have to be changed and cleaned up so don't look too close ....